ATTENTION: Crisis Update

DATELINE – March 14, 2020 – UNITED STATES – New Strain of Mental Virus Discovered

Officials today revealed a new strain of the mental virus that is sweeping the country faster than coronavirus (COVID-19) and in fact, is outdistancing it. The base virus has been in existence from the dawn of mankind that exhibits itself in new strains during times of crisis. The new strain of mental virus has been named cuckoovirus (STUPVID-19) and appears to affect the immature and ill-prepared. The following symptoms are:

  • Panic and hysteria
  • A lack of common sense
  • Suspicious tendencies (tend to believe anyone sneezing or coughing is infected with COVID-19 instead of possibly having allergies)
  • Knee jerking
  • Lemming type tendencies (following the crowd)
  • Hoarding of goods
  • Self-quarantine without any good reason
  • Posing as a reliable source of information by the constant posting of their situation and the crisis on social media
  • Mass buying of goods that will never be used in this lifetime (i.e. toilet paper)
  • Nonsensical statements

administration adult anchor anchorman

Officials have stated, as with all such mental viruses, prevention is the best cure. One leading authority in common sense interviewed said, “A healthy mind brought on by a healthy mental diet is the best prevention. Actually, it is the only cure for the disease.” He went on to say that the old adage “you can’t fix stupid” is true, but you can treat the symptoms. He listed a few remedies for the prevention and maintenance of STUPVID-19. The main way, he stated, was by being prepared, informed, and asking questions. He offered the following direction in the prevention and maintenance of the cuckoovirus STUPVID-19:

  • Don’t believe everything the news media says. Ask, “Is it really as bad as they say or is this mostly hype to cause mass panic to increase the viewing of their newscast?”
  • Get your information from a reliable source. Ask, “What is this source’s agenda?”
  • Don’t believe all the social media. Ask, “Is Bubba really a reliable source of information?”
  • Check your actions. Ask, “Do I really need this much toilet paper?”
  • Show compassion and think of others. Ask, “Is there someone I could help during this time of crisis?”
  • Slow down and think. Use the acronym “STOP”
    • S – Stop
    • T – Think
    • O – Observe
    • P – Proceed
  • Be prepared for all emergencies. “What do I, and my family need to ride out this crisis?”

woman in red long sleeve writing on chalk board

An exit interview of people leaving a supermarket revealed some symptoms of the disease. When asked why they were buying so much toilet paper, their responses were all similar to the most common response along the line of: “I don’t know. I guess because everyone else is doing it.”  One source told us that in times of crisis 10% of the population will remain calm while the remaining 90% will panic. “This is not rocket science,” she said.

Officials are urging the public to thoughtfully prepare for this and any crisis. Others are turning to Traditional American Remedies (TAR) to combat the virus. These include “a swift kick to the pants” or a “smack to the face or the back of the head” in hope of administering a “jolt of reality.” But officials have warned that these methods have not been proven by any scientific study to result in a cure and are usually administered by those who are impatient of the infected. The sane are urged to keep their distance from those exhibiting symptoms of STUPVID-19 as the best course of action. Human to human contact may cause more infection and a wider spread of the outbreak.


man in black suit leaning on railings smiling

***Reader Caution*** If you believe this article to be real instead of being a parody, you may be suffering from cuckoovirus STUPVID-19. It is suggested that you seek mental health attention immediately. Please call ahead as most facilities are believed to be overwhelmed at this time. Thank you.